Adventures in the Magic Kingdom

Dear Mr. Disney,

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (1)

The most dangerous place on earth

 

Let me start by saying, I love your movies. From classics like Snow White to the modern masterpieces like the Lion King, I have grown up watching and loving your movies. This is why I was overjoyed to finally be able to visit the Magic Kingdom Park.

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (2)

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (3)

 

 

 

 

 

My experiences while at the park, however, were nothing short of a nightmare. It all started with the incompetence of your staff.

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (4)

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (5)

 

 

 

 

 

Not only did your staff misplace the keys, preventing the start of the parade. A parade I was in fact very excited to finally see in person.

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (6)

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (7)

 

 

 

 

 

does it have to be me?

 

But they went so far as to enlist the help of random guests, namely me, to retrieve these keys.

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Being the good person that I am, I agreed to help. My search for the missing keys first led me to Space Mountain, the first of many tortures to come this day.

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (9)

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MY neck!! I’ll sue!!

Death count: 2

 

First, your posted signage of which way to lean into the turns does not excuse the whiplash I incur when I fail to react in time.

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Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (12)

 

 

 

 

 

It was coming right for me

 

Second, your inclusion of live ammunition and planetary debris in the attraction is not only hazardous, but illogical, and unnecessary in a theme part attraction.

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Death count: 4

 

Due to my sometimes lacking reaction time, I do believe I blacked out several times from this so called ride.

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Surely there is safety in numbers

 

Turning my attention next to Autopia, I was presented with a race track that can only be described as negligent and suicidal.

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (16)

Quit while you’re ahead

Death count 5

 

Many sections of the course became far too narrow for the number of cars allowed on the track at once. This caused much shoving and people being completely run off into the grass.

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Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (18)

 

 

 

 

 

I think I made a wrong turn somewhere

Death count: 7

 

Furthermore, many sections of the track featured long jumps over open pits of lava. I personally witnessed the death of several fellow riders.

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Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (20)

 

 

 

 

 

I hope these cars float

 

With few guard rails, or safety measures of any kind. Many were driving straight off the sides of the bridges and into the rushing water below.

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3 out of 8 survived. That’s our best race yet

Death count: 8

 

When I finally made it to the end, I was one of only 3 survivors.

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Continuing on to big thunder mountain further reinforced my feelings that I would never leave this park alive.

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Where are the brakes!!!

Death count: 10

 

I can accept having to control the mine cart myself. It is not however, in any stretch of the imagination, acceptable to leave multiple dead-ends on the twisted mess that is the train track.

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Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (26)

 

 

 

 

 

Get out of the way!!!

Death count: 12

 

There was also an unacceptably high amount of highly hazardous debris rolling across the path, putting my life in danger at every moment.

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Your Pirates of the Caribbean attraction I found to be the most disturbing.

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Don’t worry! I’m here to rescue you!

Death count: 18

 

The hostile condition of your part seems to have driven members of your staff insane. They truly believed themselves to be pirates, and proceed to kidnap guests.

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you know what? You’re on your own

Death count: 24

 

They even went so far as to set fire to the scenery.

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Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (32)

 

 

 

 

 

What the heck is wrong with you people?!

Death count: 29

 

This is bad enough on its own, but further negligence shows the scenery was equipped with actual, fully functional cannons. Cannons where were frequently fired in my direction.

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Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (34)

 

 

 

 

 

Is that a threat?

 

Finally I made it to your haunted mansion.

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His head came off! People’s heads shouldn’t just come off!

Death Count: 34

 

This was no spook house for fun. I whole heartedly believe this mansion to be truly possessed by angry spirits, no doubt the souls of the many guests who lost their lives at your park.

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I’m sorry! There’s nothing I can do for you now

Death count: 37

 

I can’t tell if they were alive or undead, but there were several pairs of hands clawing for freedom from their unmarked coffins.

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Light as a feather. Light as a feather. Light as a feather.

Death count: 40

 

Not only was your mansion haunted, but the lack of floors in several areas are blatant building code violations which threatens my safety while inside. I would have surely fallen to my death if not for the haunted chairs guiding me across.

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (40)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Death count: 42

 

Even the statues in the attic seemed to have a life of their own, as they mocked my coming to your park.

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Adventures in the Magic Kingdom (42)

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I’m the only one here on the ball.

 

Having retrieved the keys for your incompetent staff, I was presented with the briefest, most unsatisfying parade I have ever witnessed. Begging the question of why I risked my life to view it. It is my sincere hope that you will close down your park immediately. In its current state, it is a death trap for all who enter. May god have mercy on your soul.

Sincerely,

DeadPark

 

I played this game a lot as a kid, and while I enjoyed playing it, it always frustrated me. In fact, it still frustrates me. The five mini games are all very short, and a skilled player could probably beat the whole game in about 30 minutes. The difficulty comes from all of the games require such perfect timing at several points. The space mountain game in particular requires very quick button presses towards the end. What does make the game easier in the ability to buy power-ups with stars scattered around the different mini games. These range from extra health, to extra lives, and even temporary invincibility. The down side to this is that you’ll probably be playing the Autopia level multiple times since that seems to be the quickest and easiest way to collect a lot of stars. All things considered, it is just an ok game. It’s short and difficult, but still fun for what it is. It’s far from the best the system has to offer, but it’s still worth checking out.

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Run! Run and never return to this place!

 

Score: 6 /10

Total Death Count: 42

 

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